Problem is the Solution

People who write blogs don't write it under compulsion. But because there's a strong urge to get something out of their heart. Writing is a great pacifier. It is a balm for the soul.

And the reason why I am writing this post is because of 'Silver Linings Playbook' .

On the face of it, the movie is a rom-com but perched on a razor's edge between comedy and psychological drama. This movie gives a simple but life-changing lesson - Positive decisions can be made in the face of imperfection, desperation, and the desolate wasteland of your world in pieces.

For me one dialogue summed it all - “You gotta pay attention to signs. When life reaches out with a moment like this it's a sin if you don't reach back.”

So whether you are sad, angry or just plain disgusted...instead of whining it's much better to figure out the solution. Remember every maze has a solution. Solution never comes out of outer space. It's always there. We just need to look around with wide open eyes.

Now let me tell you a real life story on how a person made adversity his best opportunity.

Don't know how many of you would have seen Blade Runner.

Blade Runner is a 1982 science fiction film directed by Ridley Scott, depicting a dystopic Los Angeles in November 2019.

Though I am not a huge fan of sci-fi movies but the reason why I am writing about this movie is not that I loved it but I loved the background story behind it that makes it so special.

Blade Runner is based on Philip K. Dick’s novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? The first script was written by Hampton Fancher, a television actor. A friend of his told Fancher, “I think science fiction is going to happen,” and suggested Dick’s novel. Fancher came up with the idea of a detective who chases androids. Producer Michael Deeley (The Deer Hunter, The Italian Job [1969]), read both the book and Fancher’s script ideas and didn't like either very much. He wrote his own script and approached Ridley Scott to direct it but Scott rejected the idea.

After some time, due to tough financial condition Ridley Scott decided to take on the project with Michael Deeley. Initially the project was financed by Filmways Pictures, but the company was small and having financial difficulties, the group sought out new financing. The film was eventually financed partially by Warner Brothers and other investment groups.

When Ridley Scott finally got the financing to make Blade Runner it wasn't as much money as he wanted. The Hollywood studio were skeptical about the project. So they tried to cut costs. Ridley wanted to build a futuristic Los Angeles set for the movie. But all the studio would give him was a part of a generic 1920s town they had built ages ago. An unused set where they used to shoot gangster movies. All set in prohibition times. Because gangster movies had fallen out of fashion the buildings and streets in the set were decayed and peeling.

Looking at the sorry state of the available set Ridley wondered what to do. Obviously he felt insulted. Obviously the studio didn't take his film seriously. He pondered over the options available to him. The most obvious option was he could tell the studio to shove it. But if he did, that would almost certainly be the end of the movie. And probably the end of his film career in Hollywood too. So what could he do? It seemed impossible to shoot a futuristic science-fiction film about mutant robots in a set designed for black and white films about gangsters.

Ridley spent nights over nights on what could be the best solution. And guess what his problem gave him his solution.

He thought, the future is never devoid of past. The future isn't just brand new buildings, and brand new cars, and brand-new everything. The future is always about the latest things, overlaid on what came before. He decided to use the set as the past and overlay the future on it. To give a sci-fi image (which didn't exist that time) he added shiny aluminium piping to the outside of the buildings. And he added neon signs to the outside of the buildings. And people in modern, plastic clothes, with neon umbrellas. And travelling airships with massive outdoor TV screens. And all these futuristic props overlaid on the grungy old buildings just emphasised how the future always elbows the past aside.

But these props turned out to be much more important than they were initially thought of. Because neon shows up better at night, Ridley decided to shoot the movie at night. But it would also throw all the buildings into the background. Giving it the feel of a deserted and bypassed planet earth. Which was perfect for a story about returning mutant robots looking for their history. The cumulative effect gave the entire movie an all-pervading dark, ominous, threatening, sinister mood. This short-on-budget movie was truly craft out of waste. It played a pivotal role in Hollywood cinema. It launched an entirely new genre of film-making. Noir Science Fiction.

Over the years since its release, it has won nearly forty awards worldwide. It has been reissued in seven different versions. Blade Runner is considered a masterpiece. Ridley Scott’s Hollywood career took off. He went on to make many massively successful movies and featured among the important Directors. Many documentaries, novels, comics, video games and television series have been made on this movie.

So what is the moral of the story?
Take the problem head on and turn it into an opportunity.

Give life a second chance

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. - Maria Robinson

This is not just a line but a life changing statement that has transformed millions of lives over the ages.

Let me start this post with a moral science story which I am sure each one of us would have heard during our school time.

The King and The Spider. 

Vikram, a brave king, once had to fight against a large army with just a few soldiers. He was defeated and had to run for his life. He took shelter in a forest cave. He was very depressed. He was blankly gazing at the ceiling of the cave and suddenly an interesting thing happened.

A small spider was trying to weave a web across the cave ceiling. As the spider crawled up, a thread of the web broke and the spider fell down. But the spider did not give up. He tried to climb again and again. Finally, the spider successfully climbed up and completed the web.

Vikram began to think, "If a small spider can face failure so bravely, why should I give up? I will try with all might till I win". This thought gave strength to the defeated king.

Vikram again and again fought against the large army and finally, after many attempts defeated the large army and regained his kingdom. He had learnt a lesson from the spider.

So the moral of the story is – Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.

Life is all about second chances. 

We don’t live in a perfect world. We’re not perfect people.

If we don’t achieve in the first go then it doesn’t mean we give up on our dreams. We should try again the same thing or try afresh something else. The key is never to give up. 

We rarely get things right the first time.  We might not be successful in the first go but perseverance eventually turns things around.

Personally I don't even remember the number of second chances that I have taken so far but I’m not ashamed of them.  Even though I’ve failed a lot, it means I’ve tried a lot too. I might have failed in different spheres of life – relations, love, job, health etc. but I have not lost faith in any one of them.

What transmutes an obstacle into an opportunity is your attitude.  Giving a second chance in life is showing a middle finger to failures in your life. 

As Lou Holtz rightly said “Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it.”

When I was in school my parents dreamt of me becoming a doctor. I too tried hard but life had better plans for me. I couldn’t crack the medical exam but I did get through physiotherapy. However, had to let go of that opportunity considering that time it wasn’t a popular career option.

So instead of taking it negatively I decided to move on. I tried my hand at a different stream. I settled for a graduation in Industrial Microbiology. It was an interesting exposure as it made me realize that I am not cut for science stream. Next I moved on to do my Post Graduate diploma in advertising & communication. Again I entered into an unknown territory.

Whatever decisions I took in my career or my life I have no regrets as they have made me a wiser person. I have learned more from my mistakes than from my successes. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like success. I am very competitive by nature. And I take life in a challenging manner. Giving up just doesn’t exist in my dictionary.

People enter a relationship with rosy dreams but when it doesn’t work out, they try hard to make it work for some time. Some more time…and…some more time. When they realize that it’s not going to happen then the best thing is to move on. This decision might be extremely harsh as it affects not just two individual’s life but others lives too. 

Sometimes facing harsh reality today carves a beautiful path for tomorrow.

So give life another chance. Don’t compromise.

 

When Leander Paes and Mahesh Bhupati partnership didn’t work out then instead of letting it drag and affect their game, they amicably decided to part ways at the peak of their career.

And the result is in front of our eyes. Recently Paes captured 50^th doubles title.

There are innumerable stories wherein people kept faith in themselves and embraced life not as it came but what they envisaged.

Here are few motivational stories:

Christopher Reeve. The actor who played Superman became paralyzed as a result of a riding accident. Ironical! Reeve used to cry every day dealing with the reality of being in a wheelchair. But after cryinh hard daily, he would tell himself, “And now, forward!” Despite his handicap, Reeve was an exemplary model of courage. He continued to travel, gave public appearances, raised funds, became a director and served as a voice for the quadriplegics in the United States.  

Elvis Presley. Elvis Presley, the King of Rock and Roll, got fired after just one performance. His manager, Jimmy Denny, told him, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin’ a truck.”

 

 But your ambition has nothing to do with your age. It’s to do with your pursuit for excellence.

Below few examples illustrate the same:

 

Colonel Sanders: KFC lovers might find it unbelievable that Colonel Sander’s idea was rejected 1009 times over a period of 2 years.  He was 65 when Kentucky Fried Chicken was launched. Before turning into a successful entrepreneur Sander took lot of second chances in life - his  many jobs included farmhand, army mule-tender, motel operator, aspiring lawyer, failed political candidate and, amateur obstetrician. Today, more than 12 million people eat at KFC each day in 109 countries.

Walt Disney. The founder on whose cartons many generations have grown up was fired from his first job because he was told that he lacked imagination.

 Dr. Peter Mark Roget: Age is just a number when you talk about Roget.  He invented Thesaurus. at Age 73. Till 61 he was an accomplished doctor, lecturer and inventor. Thereafter the second lease of life happened.

 

I have come across many people who have compromised with their dreams, life and love because they found it convenient and non-disturbing.

My urge to those guys is that life is too precious to be compromised for anything. What is not working today might work tomorrow. The important thing is to listen to your heart. If it says give it a try then go full throttled. If it says it won’t then the best thing is to streamline your energies in other things that could give you a better future. 

You can restart your life at any given point. Here is a quick checklist to fast forward >>>>>

• Let go of the baggage and move on from the past.
• Learn lesson from your experience.
• Get rid of the negative attitude.
• Bravely accept accountability for your current situation.
• Focus on the things you can or want to change.
• Figure out what you really want.
• Eliminate the non-essentials.
• Be specific and concentrate on the main thing.
• Focus on DOING instead of NOT DOING.
• Chalk out a to-do strategy.
• Maintain self-control and work on it for real.
• Forget about impressing people.

Lastly but most importantly is to stay happy and to be open minded. 

Do not sulk and be cynical. 

As Oscar Wilde said “cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing."

MEN AND THE 'C' WORD

Affairs can be exhilarating, exciting, liberating, passionate and romantic. They can also be damaging, disparaging, excruciating, demeaning and time-wasting.

This week is Valentine’s week where love is not just in the air but on my TV, phone, newspaper, radio, malls, internet…actually everywhere. 

Love it or hate it but you just can’t ignore it. So, in such a love filled environment why am I writing a post which is contrary to the topic of LOVE. Not that I am Love cynic. I very much believe in love and am perennially in love. Just that I have seen enough of life that I have somehow managed to see through what kind of love works and what doesn't. And, as they say love is blind I thought this is the right time to remove the blinkers from the eyes of love-struck puppies so that they don't get hurt by bad love.

In this post I am not going to talk about how beautiful love is and how you should savor it for life. I am going to write about a disease called COMMITMENT PHOBIA that mostly men suffer from and as a result they make their girls suffer too.

Commitment phobia among men today is nearly as common as common cold. In Indian culture, where loyalty and monogamous relationships are much appreciated - men are afraid of not commitment but committing a long term mistake. 

If they do a mistake, then instead of opting for 'cutting the graft' approach they usually go in for a ‘no-strings attached’ benefit approach. in other words 'Polygamy'. If they are not married then they won't mind dating multiple girls and if they are married then EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR is ‘the’ thing for them.  

Hypocrisy runs in their blood and balls. They can go against monogamy in life, but will never speak against it. It makes them a monster. No one speaks against it? And this creates a dichotomy, between what they live and what they profess. 

As one of my stranger-cum-friend quoted that men are simple and insecure by nature who would not like to have too many complexities in their lives. They would prefer material expenses over emotional and mental expenses. They would not have the guts to walk out of a wrecked marriage but would be more than willing to have an affair with a pretty young thing. Icing on the cake would be if she happens to be dumb. Men just can’t tolerate emotional pangs.

They would love to live multiple untangled lives simultaneously. They would want to be an ideal son/husband/dad when at home…ideal boyfriend when out with a girl…and ideal employee at work. 

They would never want to disturb this equilibrium. They prefer practicality over being emotional. They would love to take you out for lunches, dinners, shopping, vacations and anything that MasterCard can buy. But anything else that money can’t buy and could risk their life equilibrium would instigate them to disappear and call it off without giving you any warning. 

When you’ll think that all is going well and you are ready to move to the next stage, they would stiffen up. Would say nothing but would avoid an eye contact with you...and thereafter would never return your calls. The moment love comes into picture that very moment your relationship is over. The romance evaporates in no time. These commitment phobic men are not looking for LOVE but LUST N FUN. 

So the important question is why Men are so commitment phobic? 

Reasons could be many:

• Fear of losing freedom,
• Past baggage,
• Monotonous sex life,
• Insecurity about their partners,
• Feeling not ready to take the plunge,
• Easier access to sex,
• Too much commitment pressure
• Misanthropist towards women,

Most obvious reason for men not liking commitment idea is that it signals the end of fun and freedom.

But there’s another version of the story. Let me explain it through an example.

A dear friend of mine who went around with a girl for five years ended up marrying her not because he wanted to but he was pressurized by the girl. He wasn’t ready to take the plunge but gave into impulse and ever surmounting pressure. And the result is that after 11years of courtship, marriage and multiple marriage counseling sessions they are on the verge of a divorce. There are no family issues or other women involved here. So what went wrong? Well it wasn’t that the guy was commitment phobic but he could not decide wisely because tremendous pressure robed him out of his sanity.

Not always men are commitment phobic, but sometimes women are too eager to enter a committal relationship rather than just let it develop naturally over time. This forcing tends to drive people away, the same as if an overeager salesman tries to push you into buying something, even when it’s something you may actually want to buy; you would end up shoving him away because his pushing has off-putted you.

When your man becomes commitment phobic and disappears from your life then something about you didn't fit into his perception of a relationship. The common ones are, too needy in terms of emotional, physical or financial support, acting like a girlfriend/wife before he is ready, mothering him or just giving too much of yourself. When you give him too much then he’ll start feeling like there’s a mismatch in yours and his intensity. He’ll always feel the pressure to reciprocate even when he would not want to. He'll feel indebted towards you. Not a good feeling. He may not feel like returning the gestures, but feels obligated to do so. No man wants to do anything out of obligation. It takes the fun out of it. 

So how can you save yourself from dealing with these commitments phobic men?

Best thing is to choose the guy wisely and be upfront. Tell him exactly what your expectations are from the very beginning. Maybe you'll lose him, but it's okay. Let him go. Remember this saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." If he's really in love with you, he will come at a point where he realizes that his biggest fear is not in committing to you, but in losing you!

Trust me this always works. Men respond to distance, not words.

But the other problem that could occur later on is by the time he realizes he’s in love with you and is ready for the commitment you could be out of love. But that’s ok. Maybe he wasn’t right for you. Maybe you were too good for him. Maybe he had to learn a hard lesson through you….lot of maybes but eventually you’ll be happy and not sad. 

The fact of the matter is being in love with a commitment phobic man is emotionally exhausting. You hold onto how it was in the beginning and ignore how it is now.  No magic wand will transform the non committal man into a great partner. 

The best thing is to let it go and move on in life. No point sulking and wasting your life on a person that doesn’t value your emotions. You might find it extremely painful to walk out of a relationship since you would have invested so much emotionally but whatever you do, don’t compromise your dignity. Remember you were born as an individual and will go as an individual. Don’t let an oddball treat you as trash and keep justifying his behavior every other day. Walk out of the relationship if need be. It is no good watering a withered plant. It’s better to part on a good note than ruin your life – 

“Challo ek baar phir se ajnabi ban jaaye hum dono…”

Burden of expectations

Disappointment is a sort of bankruptcy - the bankruptcy of a soul that expends too much in HOPE and EXPECTATION.  Eric Hoffer

If only we could stop hoping and expecting then we would not be living a life burdened with expectations. But that's easier said than done. Like death, not expecting is impossible. We get heartbroken because we think only in linear fashion. We expect what is convenient to us or what we want to see or hear. If we don't want to get hurt then we should expect everything so that nothing comes unexpected.

Who would have thought that India would perform so abysmally after being ranked a number one team in tests and winning the world cup? But unfortunately mostly disappointment strike hardest when you don’t expect that thing to happen. That’s why it hurts so much. All of us were thinking that this time India will win India vs. Australia test series hands down but what turned out was horrific state of Indian cricket team.

Every time Sachin goes on the field he gets the loudest cheer from the crowd hoping he’ll hit his 100^th tone but all we get is disappointment. If we expect so much from him then just think how much the little master would be expecting from him. But I guess this over expectation has made this 100^th ton a herculean task.

When Ra.One promos hit the screen we all thought that it will be career defining movie not for SRK but maybe may be for Bollywood too. We all know what happened to the viewers who went to see it. It was again a case of expectations gone haywire.

A small budget movie like Bheja Fry wooed the audiences like anything because it had no expectations attached to it. But when a sequel of the same movie is made it turns out to be a dud.

It’s not that expectations always turn out to be bad.

 

When India hosted the first F1 Grand Prix then everyone was waiting for a showdown to happen and thinking that India will mess up again like we did in CWG but this time around expectations were quashed for better. 

The best way to not get swayed from your goal is not to give in to the pressure of people’s expectations and stay silent.

As Alison McGhee said, “You are most powerful when you are most silent. People never expect silence. They expect words, motion, defense, offense, back and forth. They expect to leap into the fray. They are ready, fists up, words hanging leaping from their mouths. Silence? No.” 

That’s probably the reason why Manmohan Singh got elected second time as Prime Minister when the opposition tried every trick to repudiate him. Now it’s a different story altogeher. The same Government is bowing to every justified and non-justified pressure from its own allies and opposition. They have not been able to perform because they have stoped believing in themselves and have given up to the expectations of others.

In personal matters too we leave a burdened life. Firstly right from childhood we are expected to do well in our studies. As a result most of the children don’t get to enjoy their childhood.

In our job we are expected to perform exceptionally well over and over again. We are bound to fulfill boss’s every expectation Expectations could be as outrageous as cleaning your boss’s dirty linen in private. If he’s having an affair with someone or he’s hitting on you (when he’s married) then you are expected to know/say nothing.

When we are in a relationship then we have to live up to the expectations of our partner not just once but all the times. You fail once and your relationship goes for a toss. If you are unmarried then it’s move on. If you are married then it’s divorce.

I am not against expectations but all I mean to say is that there are two ways to be happy: improve your reality, or lower your expectations. It’s always better to be pleasantly surprised than fatally disappointed.
 

Now I am going to try and live this philosophy. Few expectations that I have lowered are:

·         Expecting Indian Cricket team to win any match outside India

·         Expecting Petrol price will not rise that often

·         Expecting that an Anna can change the fate of the most corrupt nation

·         Expecting to get a good appraisal

·         Expecting that I will not hurt anyone

·         Expecting that I’ll be understood and loved in return

I guess lowering these many expectations could be a good starting point if I am able to achieve them.

Let the mission to ‘LIVE A LIFE’ not ‘LIVE A BURDENED LIFE’ begin from here on!!!!!!!!!