Affairs
can be exhilarating, exciting, liberating, passionate and romantic. They
can also be damaging, disparaging, excruciating, demeaning and time-wasting.
This week is
Valentine’s week where love is not just in the air but on my TV, phone,
newspaper, radio, malls, internet…actually everywhere.
Love it or
hate it but you just can’t ignore it. So, in such a love filled environment why am I
writing a post which is contrary to the topic of LOVE. Not that I am Love cynic. I very much believe in love and am perennially in love. Just that I have seen enough of life that I have somehow managed to see through what kind of love works and what doesn't. And, as they say love
is blind I thought this is the right time to remove the blinkers from the eyes
of love-struck puppies so that they don't get hurt by bad love.
In this post I am
not going to talk about how beautiful love is and how you should savor it for
life. I am going to write about a disease called COMMITMENT PHOBIA
that mostly men suffer from and as a result they make their girls suffer too.
Commitment phobia
among men today is nearly as common as common cold. In Indian culture, where
loyalty and monogamous relationships are much appreciated - men are afraid of
not commitment but committing a long term mistake.
If they do a mistake, then
instead of opting for 'cutting the graft' approach they usually go in for a
‘no-strings attached’ benefit approach. in other words 'Polygamy'. If they are not married then they won't mind dating
multiple girls and if they are married then
EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR is ‘the’ thing for them.
Hypocrisy runs in their blood and
balls. They can go against monogamy in life, but will never speak against it.
It makes them a monster. No one speaks against it? And this creates a
dichotomy, between what they live and what they profess.
As one of my
stranger-cum-friend quoted that men are simple and insecure by nature who would
not like to have too many complexities in their lives. They would prefer
material expenses over emotional and mental expenses. They would not have the
guts to walk out of a wrecked marriage but would be more than willing to have
an affair with a pretty young thing. Icing on the cake would be if she happens
to be dumb. Men just can’t tolerate emotional pangs.
They would love
to live multiple untangled lives simultaneously. They would want to be an ideal
son/husband/dad when at home…ideal boyfriend when out with a girl…and ideal
employee at work.
They would never want to disturb this equilibrium. They
prefer practicality over being emotional. They would love to take you out for
lunches, dinners, shopping, vacations and anything that MasterCard can buy. But
anything else that money can’t buy and could risk their life equilibrium would
instigate them to disappear and call it off without giving you any warning.
When
you’ll think that all is going well and you are ready to move to the next
stage, they would stiffen up. Would say nothing but would avoid an eye contact
with you...and thereafter would never return your calls. The moment love comes
into picture that very moment your relationship is over. The romance evaporates in no time. These commitment
phobic men are not looking for LOVE but LUST N FUN.
So the important
question is why Men are so commitment phobic?
Reasons could be many:
- Fear of losing freedom,
- Past baggage,
- Monotonous sex life,
- Insecurity about their partners,
- Feeling not ready to take the plunge,
- Easier access to sex,
- Too much commitment pressure
- Misanthropist towards women,
Most obvious
reason for men not liking commitment idea is that it signals the end of fun and
freedom.
But there’s another version of the story. Let me explain it through an example.
A dear friend of mine who went around with a girl for five years ended up marrying her not because he wanted to but he was pressurized by the girl. He wasn’t ready to take the plunge but gave into impulse and ever surmounting pressure. And the result is that after 11years of courtship, marriage and multiple marriage counseling sessions they are on the verge of a divorce. There are no family issues or other women involved here. So what went wrong? Well it wasn’t that the guy was commitment phobic but he could not decide wisely because tremendous pressure robed him out of his sanity.
Not always men are commitment phobic, but sometimes women are too eager to enter a committal relationship rather than just let it develop naturally over time. This forcing tends to drive people away, the same as if an overeager salesman tries to push you into buying something, even when it’s something you may actually want to buy; you would end up shoving him away because his pushing has off-putted you.
But there’s another version of the story. Let me explain it through an example.
A dear friend of mine who went around with a girl for five years ended up marrying her not because he wanted to but he was pressurized by the girl. He wasn’t ready to take the plunge but gave into impulse and ever surmounting pressure. And the result is that after 11years of courtship, marriage and multiple marriage counseling sessions they are on the verge of a divorce. There are no family issues or other women involved here. So what went wrong? Well it wasn’t that the guy was commitment phobic but he could not decide wisely because tremendous pressure robed him out of his sanity.
Not always men are commitment phobic, but sometimes women are too eager to enter a committal relationship rather than just let it develop naturally over time. This forcing tends to drive people away, the same as if an overeager salesman tries to push you into buying something, even when it’s something you may actually want to buy; you would end up shoving him away because his pushing has off-putted you.
When your man
becomes commitment phobic and disappears from your life then something about
you didn't fit into his perception of a relationship. The common ones are, too
needy in terms of emotional, physical or financial support, acting like a
girlfriend/wife before he is ready, mothering him or just giving too much of
yourself. When you give him too much then he’ll start feeling like there’s a
mismatch in yours and his intensity. He’ll always feel the pressure to reciprocate even when he would not want to. He'll feel indebted towards you. Not a good feeling. He may not feel like returning the gestures, but feels
obligated to do so. No man wants to do anything out of obligation. It takes the
fun out of it.
So
how can you save yourself from dealing with these commitments phobic men?
Best thing is to choose the guy wisely and be
upfront. Tell him exactly what your expectations are from the very
beginning. Maybe you'll lose him, but it's okay. Let him go. Remember this
saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you,
it’s yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be."
If he's really in love with you, he will come at a point where he realizes
that his biggest fear is not in committing to you, but in losing you!
Trust me this
always works. Men respond to distance, not words.
But the other
problem that could occur later on is by the time he realizes he’s in love with
you and is ready for the commitment you could be out of love. But that’s ok.
Maybe he wasn’t right for you. Maybe you were too good for him. Maybe he had to
learn a hard lesson through you….lot of maybes but eventually you’ll be happy
and not sad.
The fact of the
matter is being in love with a commitment phobic man is emotionally exhausting.
You hold onto how it was in the beginning and ignore how it is now. No
magic wand will transform the non committal man into a great partner.
The best
thing is to let it go and move on in life. No point sulking and wasting your
life on a person that doesn’t value your emotions. You might find it extremely
painful to walk out of a relationship since you would have invested so much
emotionally but whatever you do, don’t compromise your dignity. Remember
you were born as an individual and will go as an individual. Don’t let an oddball treat
you as trash and keep justifying his behavior every other day. Walk out of the
relationship if need be. It is no good watering a withered plant. It’s better
to part on a good note than ruin your life –
“Challo
ek baar phir se ajnabi ban jaaye hum dono…”
