Men are RASAGULLAS. Women are JALEBIES.

What women want? This question has plagued the mind of humankind for generations and generations. However, what men want is fairly simple. Men are Simple Beings whereas Women are Complex Creatures. And that's exactly the reason why I am calling this blog post title what it is.

To understand their wants, this time I decided to dig deeper and table out the differences between the two genders when they think about Love and commitment. While doing so I consulted lot my friends from both the genders, listened to lot of Ted Talks, spent hours on brainpickings.org and gathered whatever secondary data I could lay my hands on. And this is what I have to say.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE CHALK AND CHEESE WHEN IT COMES TO :

• RELATIONSHIPS: For women, relationship is a very special, mature connection between two individuals. It's a very special bond that they dream will last FOREVER. We see ourselves growing old with our partners like our grandparents did.  But for men, relationship is to have someone in your life that makes you happy, both emotionally and physically. They are not so future oriented. They think only about today's pleasure. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run. Men, on the other hand are not so fussy about working on a relationship. They are slightly lazy and easy-going when it comes to relationships. Men don't like to be questioned. Therefore when they are being made to stand in a guilty box they tend to run away. They don't want to break the relationships but they hate to be questioned on routine basis. Once they decide to break the relationship, there is no going back. Whereas women generally change their decision multiple times because the emotional investment is way too higher from their side. After the breakup, women seek closure through dialogue whereas men seek solace in avoidance and distraction. Women want to talk it out. Men want to bottle it in.

• LOVE: Women think of love in terms of Mills & Boons and Yash Raj romance. They want a guy like Raj of DDLJ who can love them, cherish them, pamper them, talk to them, listen to them, and make them the centre of their universe. They want love, protection and security. However, men think of love more in terms of sex aka Babydoll Sone Di. They do not daydream about romantic love; it is the sexual aspect of the relationship that has their attention. Women See Relationships, Men See Body Parts. Men want flesh, women want love. And the reason why they behave so differently is Testosterone. Men have 20 times more testosterone in their systems than do women. This results in a strong drive for sex in men. For men, having a long tally of their sexual conquests is a hallmark of achievement. Women on the other hand correlate sex and love. Men play love to get sex whereas women play sex to get love. Another big difference is men love their freedom the most. Their biggest fear is losing their freedom. They hate to justify their 'last seen at...' Whatsapp status to their girlfriend. They enjoy the company and love of their girlfriend but hate the questions and nagging bit. They just can't give the reins of their life to someone else. Remember Pyaar Ka Punchnama famous scene -[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIpmML49hMU]

• BRAIN PROCESSING: Men are able to compartmentalise  different pieces of  information like  emotions, behaviour, physical attributes, relationships, jobs, sex, romance, friendship, family etc. into separate compartments in their brains, while women tend to link everything together. Men see individual issues with parts of their brain, while women look at the holistic or multiple issues with their whole brain. Men can switch over from one compartment to another in no time without carrying a trace from one to another whereas women fail to do so. Therefore generally after a breakup men move on easily without their work-life balance getting affected whereas women take far longer to get over it. One look at their face and people can tell that they are going through some personal turmoil. Their face is their mirror. However, exceptions are always there.

• LAW OF ATTRACTION: We value that which is hard to get and we think little of that which is easily obtained. In men-women relationships, you are attracted to the person who is hard to get and you run from the one who chases you. The law remains the same for both in the initial phase. The difference arises when both get committed. So while women apply their rational side a lot in the attraction phase, they let their emotional side take over when they get committed. They don't raise doubts and start dreaming about their future together. On the other hand, men don't think too rationally before enrolling themselves in the chase game. For Men, the thrill is in the chase. After the conquest has been made, men are ready to move on to the next challenge. They don’t care about the emotional wreckage they have left behind them. After winning over the women, mystery wanes and so does their feelings. What once used to be attractive seems to become boring and irritating.

• COMMITMENT: This word sends chills to men's body as soon as it is uttered by their lady love. It is their biggest phobia. They are eager to fall in love but too scared to commit. And when they eventually do, it is after lot of deliberation and rational calibration. Emotions don't rule their decisions. They weigh every pros and con before committing. For them, it is not a game of love but a mission to be accomplished. They would never venture into a relationship that can put them off guard or pose difficult questions in the future. They don't want to mess up the equilibrium of their family and career. They like to play safe when it comes to commitment. However, for women it is the opposite. They say yes to a love proposal after visualising their entire life with the guy proposing. They would think up to their grandchildren before saying a yes. Another big difference is, men always have a plan B in mind. They would never put all their eggs in one basket. While they would be dating a girl, they would simultaneously be turning on their ignitions for another chase game.

HOPE THE RASAGULLAS AND JALEBIS CAN LOOK BEYOND THEIR DIFFERENCES AND STAY HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

The above points are generic and as I mentioned earlier, exceptions are always there. I truly believe that not all men are same. Some men are quite hesitant to start or carry on a relationship with a girl that they think they'll not be able to commit to, therefore instead of breaking the girls heart at the end, they halt their engines in the beginning itself. While some men don't venture on the path, others know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know true love and fidelity are the main ingredients. When they meet the right woman they  try their best to make it work. The only small issue is realizing when you have met the right woman. Sometimes they get bogged down by the fear of difficulties and compromise even before trying. My advice to them would be

Don't belittle love. There are too many ordinary things in life. Let love be extraordinary and precious.

TOTALLY UNRELATED STUFF THAT I WANT TO SHARE

I am a hopeless romantic (thanks to Sharukh Khan) therefore in spite of shredding my heart into million pieces I'll continue believing in true love. True love which is unselfish and is committed. I believe in love even if the other person has moved on. My love will always be with him. Only for him. Because my love doesn't believe in giving up. It only believes in one thing - to love, no matter what. I might not shout out from the top of a mountain but it'll silently climb up the hills. My love is not bound by the shackles of the worldly possessions, inhibitions and rituals. It is beyond all this. My heart only knows how to love and it will continue loving you. No matter what.

Just like Don Williams I will continue believing in love. I believe in love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rktW3byqdOs

PS: There are some interesting videos on understanding love. I particularly like Helen Fisher's work.  

Some of my favourite quotes are:

“Millions of years ago, we evolved three basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love and attachment to a long-term partner."

"Romantic love is not an emotion. It’s a drive. It comes from the motor of the mind, the wanting part of the mind, the craving part of the mind"

"Barriers tend to intensify romance. It's called the 'Romeo and Juliet effect.' I call it 'frustration attraction."

"You know, when you've been dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about this human being, and then go on with your life - but no, you just love them harder."

"After a man falls madly in love, he no longer cares how old she is."

“Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You can't stop thinking about another human being.”

In case you want to hear some of her speeches. Then here are the links.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a2PvlD-O9Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OYfoGTIG7pY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY

Being a woman sports fan.

When you have grown up in a family where your favourite pastime is to watch sports, mind it sports not cricket, then you are bound to develop an interest in sports by default. Our dinner table discussions revolved around Azhar, Kapil, Ajay Jadeja, PT Usha, Leaner Paes, Prakash Padukone and very rarely Shanti, Svetlana could find place in our discussions. Guess coming from an army background changes your outlook towards life and the activities you indulge into. Although, I was more into watching than playing and that’s perhaps the reason why height didn't favour me. Anyways it's no surprise that I grew up to become an avid sports fan.

Barring my folks and friends, people still "test" me day in and day out on my sports knowledge. They still can’t come to terms that a girl can like sports too. Agreed, there are lesser number of women sports persons but that shouldn't be the reason for me not liking sports. Maybe I have more of my father in my genes. Or maybe I have a boy’s soul in a girl’s body :) I am sure reading that statement crazy ideas would be going in your mind. But rest your imagination horses.

Now let’s come back to the topic of being a woman sports fan.

The barrage of question would start with "Oh, really, you like sports?" and then there will be a tsunami of questions to test my knowledge, to prove myself if I was genuinely interested in sports or was I just faking to impress guys or just to stand out from other girls.

Once I would pass the first hurdle, the bar would be set higher for me. Stats, records, rules, players all will be tested. Believe you me, a life of a female fan is not easy and it’s damn difficult to fit into a male-dominated sports culture. Fandom is not measured by loyalty towards a team, but by the knowledge of statistics, players and history. Even though off late, more female fans have started following sports but still women are not fully accepted as equal-status fans by our male counterparts. We are still looked upon as lesser beings. Recently an avid sports fan indirectly made a pass at me saying that I don’t understand football at all and I made him think that Keys and Gray were right about what they have said about female sports fans. Here’s what Keys and Gray are reported to have said about Massey:

“Somebody better get down there and explain offside to her,” said Keys.
“Can you believe that? A female linesman. Women don’t know the offside rule,” said Gray.
Keys replied “Course they don’t. I can guarantee you there will be a big one today. Kenny (Dalglish) will go potty. This isn’t the first time, is it? Didn’t we have one before?” And then he added “The game’s gone mad. Did you hear charming [West Ham vice-chairwoman] Karren Brady this morning complaining about sexism? Do me a favour, love.”

Though I was initially hurt to read his comment but later on I reconciled to the fact that even if I know nothing about the game, it should not deter me from following the game  I love so much. Since I have not followed football from my childhood therefore my knowledge cannot be compared with them. I am a slow learner but let me learn it my way not your way. Why should I be made fun of? Doesn't this mindset reek of male chauvinism in a milder avatar. But I have no complaints since everyone is entitled to his opinion. I will do what I feel is right and you can do what you feel is right. So, what is it that makes men feel so fidgety about accepting women as sport fans? Maybe it has got to do with them being misogynist :) (a hot favourite word of one of my tweep friend these days). There could be multiple reasons. I could think of few:

• Sports fell into male territory. My limited knowledge from history books, movies suggest that sports were considered to be an activity for the alpha members of the family. Outdoor activities which included hunting and sports were clearly a male domain. Female encroachment wasn't acceptable and was considered as trespassing. 

• Men and women consume sports differently and speak a different language. For women, it's a sensory experience that ends with the match, except for some unforgettable ones like Ind-Pak CWC match or France-Italy WC football final match or Djokovic-Nadal Australian open final. However, for men, it’s more to do with cerebral experience. For them match doesn't end with the match. In fact it’s a beginning to those endless discussions. They love to discuss games threadbare. The pregame analysis, the post game analysis, dressing room politics, team selection etc. Collecting sports knowledge, is as important as the game itself. Whosoever possesses the maximum knowledge has one-upmanship in his group. If you are not into sports, you are not man enough. You are sissy.

• Other reason could be sport is the only arena left for men to express their masculinity, besides in the bed ;) They think the fairer sex is a weaker sex and cannot play/watch sports for long. They think women don’t have the brains and patience to think beyond their kitty parties. But excusez-moi you are completely wrong.

• Stereotyping is what everybody loves to do. Most of the Indian men have grown up in households where their sisters or mothers have not watched sports. Therefore men tend to generalize that women can’t play sports. Infact our movies like Kutch Kutch Hota Hai have reinforced the same by saying “Girls can’t play basketball”. Even brands like Gatorade, Nike, redbull, Cinthol, that have taken sportiness as their advertising plank, always resort to taking male models simply because that’s the common perception. 

• No women sports culture. Women are not promoted to play sports. In childhood when boys play cricket, girls play hide and seek, tippi-tippi-tap, gudiya-gudiya, posham-pa, stappu, ludo etc. Basically all games that don’t involve physical activities. And since they don’t play sports therefore understanding, relating and liking them doesn't fit into their scheme of things. They feel out of place when boys discuss sports.

• Men don’t watch women spots because they think women aren't good enough and are no match to men competition. However, men do watch women's tennis. But that’s probably because there’s ample skin show. Since they don’t think too highly of women sports persons therefore they somehow perceive that women can’t be good even as spectators.

The reasons could be innumerable but the bottom-line is that Girls are still treated like an outsider in sports discussions, which discomforts me. But slowly and steadily things are changing and men are becoming more open minded. Though,there’s still a long way to go.

I agree I am not as knowledgeable about sports as my male friends are. But I am a die-hard sports fan and I don’t feel ashamed to accept that I tend to know less about numbers and history. Maths has always been my weak area, so please excuse me for not remembering the stats, even though I would consume just as much current sports coverage as my male counterparts would.

I like sports because I can relate to them. I find them more passionate and less dramatic. Sports inspire me to try harder and never give up on my dreams. Every morning, last night’s match provide me the fodder for my office cooler conversation. On match days most of my twitter updates would be about the match. Watching sports and discussing them is a great stress buster for me. It helps in bringing people closer to me. I automatically become friends with people who love sports. It's a bonhomie catalyst for me.

In fact the best part about following sports is that even if you are watching a match alone, you are never alone. The constant conversation in the real or virtual world multiplies the fun of watching sports manifolds. It’s like watching a game with friends even when you are alone. 

I am not the one who watches only highlights but I love to watch the match from beginning to end without flipping the channel. My favourite player choice is not based on his legs, or how cute he looks (but of-course excluding Djokovic :)) but how well he plays his game. I might not know everything about every player or his every move but trust me I would know about the team standings, match summaries, the league standings and but of course the rules. Silly point, mid-off, Bouncer, Center Forward, offside, DRS Wing, backhand, cannonball is not nuclear science to me. I am not scarred to engage in a passion filled argument about the team or player I support. I am definitely not a two minute fan to induct myself into the game simply to score with the guys. You don’t have to bother to explain any rules or tactics unless I ask for. Also, I really hate it when somebody would try to disturb my concentration.

My kind of weekend is not to go out on marathon shopping sessions with my girlfriends but to watch a match. I’ll be very happy if I can see it in a stadium or at a pub. I won’t complain even if I see it at home. I get really animated when I am watching the game. You’ll see me cheering the loudest when my team is winning and when my team is doing badly then I’ll be screaming my lungs out to curse the opposition or the referee.

Boys who complain their girlfriends don’t let them watch matches, should make an effort to involve them in the games they love so much. Once your girl cheer with you, trust me you’ll have lesser reasons to complain and fight. And you’ll live happily ever after :)

The ONE

"Wait for the one who will be your best friend, who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what. Wait for the one who makes you smile like no other, and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the one who wants to show you off when you are in sweats and have no makeup on, but appreciates it when you get all dolled up for him. Most of all, wait for the one who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he's at the center of yours."  - anonymous


This blog post is a sweet fruit of  WAIT.

It is dedicated to a very special person in my life.

I don't want to bring down the sanctity of my relationship by talking about what he means to me. He's not my father, not my brother, not my husband, not my boyfriend, not my colleague, not my friend, not my mentor. He's neither of these...but all of these. He defies any particular relationship. He's way beyond to be shackled in relationships.

He's the one that is exactly like me but still different like chalk and cheese. He's a very special person.

He has changed my life just by being part of it. He met me when I was going through a very hard time.

He makes me laugh until I can't laugh any more.

He cracks silly jokes that make no sense but still I can't stop giggling.

He sings in the most besura manner. He make faces.

He pretends to be angry when i use racial slurs (teasingly only).

He is someone who makes me believe that this world is really beautiful and full of life.

He is the one who says that I should read 'MEN ARE FROM MARS. WOMEN FROM VENUS' to understand men.

He's the one who says that I should find someone good for myself and when someone comes a little close he gets jittery.

In other words, he defines FOREVER FRIENDSHIP.

We confide in each other like no other. I fight with him all the times but he's always there to make it work. He never complains when I take him out for marathon shopping sessions. He lies to his parents to meet me. He sacrifices his sleep to talk to me. He is so much to me that my computer's hard-disk can crash writing about him but I can't stop describing him.



There is an electrifying feeling between us that words cannot describe.

The two of us are inseparable. When we look into each others eyes, time and space have no meaning. Our conversations seem to go on forever. There are no barriers between us. There is a special sacredness to our relationship that transcends anything we've ever experienced before. Our relationship is definitely for the keeps.


So how did we meet? I met him in a totally unplanned and unexpected manner in very unusual circumstances.

Our story sure can make a Bollywood romcom. I met him in a train journey on my friend's wedding. Yes....Jab We Met kinds. But in a different avatar.

And rest is history. We didn't connect instantly. The last leg of our trip made it happen.

And I am so glad we did. He understood me without knowing a thing about me. And I think that was the turning point. He had surprised me in so many ways that I have lost the count now.

I don't know whether he's my SOUL MATE or not. But he definitely is a part of my soul.

Let me tell you how soul-mate originated. It is believed to be created by Greek Gods

Apparently, humans originally consisted of four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them: you and your soul mate are destined to find each other.

We are like riverbanks that can walk alongside but can never be together. I don't know what future holds for us. But he is special and will always be special in my life.

I really wish him luck and loads of love and happiness in life. The way he's made my ordinary life a happy life may his life be a life of what dreams our made of!

I am sure happiness too would be obliged to find a great companion like him.

LONG LIVE OUR FRIENDSHIP!

Adoore Sapne

Ae dil sambhal ja zara…

Kyun tu khud ko tabah karne hai chala…

Kyun dekhe sapne jo kabhi na honge poore…

Kyun sochta hai iss baar anzam alag hoga…

Kyun tujhe lagta hai ke iss baar koi tujhe samjhega...

Kyun sochta hai mehman ke jagah iss bar tera humsafar tere saath hoga.

 

Majhi badal jaane se toofan nahi ruka karte...

Teri zindagi to sabse bada toofan hai…

Tu kyun toofan mein kashti chalata hai…

Teri kismat mein sirf tootna likha hai aur wahi hoga… 

Kyun sochta hai tera pyaar kissi ko badal dega…

Behtar yahi hai tu sambhal ja aur khud ko hi badal le…

Express yourself

Reading these two words what comes to your mind - Airtel ad.

Not bad for a brand to create such a superb brand recall. Kudos to the team who worked on this campaign. It's one of my all time favourite campaign

Coming back to our post idea - Express Yourself.

These are  not just any two words but they define the course of your life.

What hurts more?

Saying something and then regretting why you said it 

or 

Not saying anything and then regretting why you didn't say it?

My vote goes for the second one. Why should you hide your feelings for any darn thing. God gave us the art of speech and expression so that we can express ourselves freely. What if it hurts later. It's ok atleast you'll not live with a grudge that you didn't let it out.

Even if no one is listening to you then also butt it out. You never know God might be too busy and might need a second reminder.

Scores of songs, stories, advertisements, films have been written on 'EXPRESS YOURSELF' theme.

Some of my favourite ones are - Madonna's Express Yourself song, Airtel campaign and Lady Gaga's 'Born this way' song which in a way echos the same thought.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg47SNWvu0g

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lypkFQ3bPg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV1FrqwZyKw&ob=av2e

So why is it so important to express yourself?

Well expressing yourself is as important as breathing, eating, sleeping or loving.

You have to be real and not fake because fake doesn't last for long. If you want the relationship of your dreams, you gotta feel good enough about yourself to be real.

It’s pretty easy to start a relationship but difficult to sail through.

Here’s where the sticky part comes in: What do you do the first time you feel angry and you are scared to express yourself as you might get labelled as a bitch?

So you say nothing. You swallow how you really feel and come back for more of that “easy” relationship.
But what is it like being in that relationship now?
• Do you feel the same love you felt in the beginning?
• Do you feel hurt, confused, unhappy, just ok, kind of shut down?
• Do you want to spend less and less time with your significant other?
• Do you resent doing the things for your partner/friend/family you used to do happily?
• Do you sometimes feel, “If this is how it’s going to be, then I’m better off alone?”

Is this the way to have a relationship? What went wrong?

Well...you started the relationship on a wrong foot. You didn't EXPRESS YOURSELF and that's why you feel so burdened.

Somehow, somewhere, our middle class values have taught us to be nice. To be nice you have to stuff your anger deep inside somewhere and hide it away, or you won’t be nice.

But this is the biggest blunder we do. Not expressing yourself without any guilt has far worse repercussions than what we presume.

To be fully whole and fully supportive of yourself, you have to allow yourself to have and express your feelings – appropriately, of course. And that includes anger.

It will help your relationship blossom like never before.

Have you ever watched a baby express himself? If he is angry, he'll howl at the top of his voice to make the entire household go into a tizzy but as soon as he is comforted or had his diaper changed or is fed, he is happy again. No stuck feelings.

Same way we are conditioned to express ourselves through various emotions. We should not allow any bad feelings make their home in our heart because eventually they will hurt us the most than anyone else. Stuffing your anger away,will not work. It will create more anger, resentment, arguments, and will have upsets of every variety.

So people SPEAK IT OUT EVEN IF SOMEONE CARES TO LISTEN TO YOU OR NOT. JUST VENT IT OUT.