Men are RASAGULLAS. Women are JALEBIES.

What women want? This question has plagued the mind of humankind for generations and generations. However, what men want is fairly simple. Men are Simple Beings whereas Women are Complex Creatures. And that's exactly the reason why I am calling this blog post title what it is.

To understand their wants, this time I decided to dig deeper and table out the differences between the two genders when they think about Love and commitment. While doing so I consulted lot my friends from both the genders, listened to lot of Ted Talks, spent hours on brainpickings.org and gathered whatever secondary data I could lay my hands on. And this is what I have to say.

MEN AND WOMEN ARE CHALK AND CHEESE WHEN IT COMES TO :

• RELATIONSHIPS: For women, relationship is a very special, mature connection between two individuals. It's a very special bond that they dream will last FOREVER. We see ourselves growing old with our partners like our grandparents did.  But for men, relationship is to have someone in your life that makes you happy, both emotionally and physically. They are not so future oriented. They think only about today's pleasure. Women believe men do not want to work on a relationship; that when the going gets tough, they run. Men, on the other hand are not so fussy about working on a relationship. They are slightly lazy and easy-going when it comes to relationships. Men don't like to be questioned. Therefore when they are being made to stand in a guilty box they tend to run away. They don't want to break the relationships but they hate to be questioned on routine basis. Once they decide to break the relationship, there is no going back. Whereas women generally change their decision multiple times because the emotional investment is way too higher from their side. After the breakup, women seek closure through dialogue whereas men seek solace in avoidance and distraction. Women want to talk it out. Men want to bottle it in.

• LOVE: Women think of love in terms of Mills & Boons and Yash Raj romance. They want a guy like Raj of DDLJ who can love them, cherish them, pamper them, talk to them, listen to them, and make them the centre of their universe. They want love, protection and security. However, men think of love more in terms of sex aka Babydoll Sone Di. They do not daydream about romantic love; it is the sexual aspect of the relationship that has their attention. Women See Relationships, Men See Body Parts. Men want flesh, women want love. And the reason why they behave so differently is Testosterone. Men have 20 times more testosterone in their systems than do women. This results in a strong drive for sex in men. For men, having a long tally of their sexual conquests is a hallmark of achievement. Women on the other hand correlate sex and love. Men play love to get sex whereas women play sex to get love. Another big difference is men love their freedom the most. Their biggest fear is losing their freedom. They hate to justify their 'last seen at...' Whatsapp status to their girlfriend. They enjoy the company and love of their girlfriend but hate the questions and nagging bit. They just can't give the reins of their life to someone else. Remember Pyaar Ka Punchnama famous scene -[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIpmML49hMU]

• BRAIN PROCESSING: Men are able to compartmentalise  different pieces of  information like  emotions, behaviour, physical attributes, relationships, jobs, sex, romance, friendship, family etc. into separate compartments in their brains, while women tend to link everything together. Men see individual issues with parts of their brain, while women look at the holistic or multiple issues with their whole brain. Men can switch over from one compartment to another in no time without carrying a trace from one to another whereas women fail to do so. Therefore generally after a breakup men move on easily without their work-life balance getting affected whereas women take far longer to get over it. One look at their face and people can tell that they are going through some personal turmoil. Their face is their mirror. However, exceptions are always there.

• LAW OF ATTRACTION: We value that which is hard to get and we think little of that which is easily obtained. In men-women relationships, you are attracted to the person who is hard to get and you run from the one who chases you. The law remains the same for both in the initial phase. The difference arises when both get committed. So while women apply their rational side a lot in the attraction phase, they let their emotional side take over when they get committed. They don't raise doubts and start dreaming about their future together. On the other hand, men don't think too rationally before enrolling themselves in the chase game. For Men, the thrill is in the chase. After the conquest has been made, men are ready to move on to the next challenge. They don’t care about the emotional wreckage they have left behind them. After winning over the women, mystery wanes and so does their feelings. What once used to be attractive seems to become boring and irritating.

• COMMITMENT: This word sends chills to men's body as soon as it is uttered by their lady love. It is their biggest phobia. They are eager to fall in love but too scared to commit. And when they eventually do, it is after lot of deliberation and rational calibration. Emotions don't rule their decisions. They weigh every pros and con before committing. For them, it is not a game of love but a mission to be accomplished. They would never venture into a relationship that can put them off guard or pose difficult questions in the future. They don't want to mess up the equilibrium of their family and career. They like to play safe when it comes to commitment. However, for women it is the opposite. They say yes to a love proposal after visualising their entire life with the guy proposing. They would think up to their grandchildren before saying a yes. Another big difference is, men always have a plan B in mind. They would never put all their eggs in one basket. While they would be dating a girl, they would simultaneously be turning on their ignitions for another chase game.

HOPE THE RASAGULLAS AND JALEBIS CAN LOOK BEYOND THEIR DIFFERENCES AND STAY HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

The above points are generic and as I mentioned earlier, exceptions are always there. I truly believe that not all men are same. Some men are quite hesitant to start or carry on a relationship with a girl that they think they'll not be able to commit to, therefore instead of breaking the girls heart at the end, they halt their engines in the beginning itself. While some men don't venture on the path, others know how to build a wonderful relationship, and they know true love and fidelity are the main ingredients. When they meet the right woman they  try their best to make it work. The only small issue is realizing when you have met the right woman. Sometimes they get bogged down by the fear of difficulties and compromise even before trying. My advice to them would be

Don't belittle love. There are too many ordinary things in life. Let love be extraordinary and precious.

TOTALLY UNRELATED STUFF THAT I WANT TO SHARE

I am a hopeless romantic (thanks to Sharukh Khan) therefore in spite of shredding my heart into million pieces I'll continue believing in true love. True love which is unselfish and is committed. I believe in love even if the other person has moved on. My love will always be with him. Only for him. Because my love doesn't believe in giving up. It only believes in one thing - to love, no matter what. I might not shout out from the top of a mountain but it'll silently climb up the hills. My love is not bound by the shackles of the worldly possessions, inhibitions and rituals. It is beyond all this. My heart only knows how to love and it will continue loving you. No matter what.

Just like Don Williams I will continue believing in love. I believe in love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rktW3byqdOs

PS: There are some interesting videos on understanding love. I particularly like Helen Fisher's work.  

Some of my favourite quotes are:

“Millions of years ago, we evolved three basic drives: the sex drive, romantic love and attachment to a long-term partner."

"Romantic love is not an emotion. It’s a drive. It comes from the motor of the mind, the wanting part of the mind, the craving part of the mind"

"Barriers tend to intensify romance. It's called the 'Romeo and Juliet effect.' I call it 'frustration attraction."

"You know, when you've been dumped, the one thing you love to do is just forget about this human being, and then go on with your life - but no, you just love them harder."

"After a man falls madly in love, he no longer cares how old she is."

“Romantic love is an obsession. It possesses you. You lose your sense of self. You can't stop thinking about another human being.”

In case you want to hear some of her speeches. Then here are the links.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a2PvlD-O9Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=OYfoGTIG7pY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYfoGTIG7pY

From Rape...to No Rape State

“Rape is mostly consensual' - Haryana Congress leader

'I think that girls should be married at the age of 16, so that they have their husbands for their sexual needs, and they don't need to go elsewhere. This way rapes will not occur' - Haryana Khap Panchayat member Sube Singh

"Rapes happening because men and women are interacting more freely". - West Bengal Chief Minister Mamata Banerjee

'Jaise jaise samay beet-ta hai patni purani hoti jati hai, woh maja nahi reh jata hai." - Union Coal Minister Sriprakash Jaiswal

"One of the reasons behind the increase in incidents of eve-teasing is short dresses and short skirts worn by women. This in turn instigates young men." - Trinamool Congress legislator Chiranjeet Chakraborty

'I think that girls should be married at the age of 16, so that they have their husbands for their sexual needs, and they don't need to go elsewhere. This way rapes will not occur'. - Haryana Khap Panchayat member Sube Singh

"Poverty and intoxication are the main reasons for rape as well as young people sitting together the wrong way. But also eating chowmein causes a hormonal imbalance which is a big reason for rapes." - Khap leader Jitender Chhataar

"If you're referring to the Park Street rape, see that is a different case altogether that was not at all a rape case. It was a misunderstanding between the two parties involved between a lady and her client. This was not a rape." - Trinamool Congress leader Kakoli Ghosh Dastidar

Ban skirts as school uniform to reduce harassment of girl students: BJP MLA Banwari Lal Singhal

The 23-year-old paramedic’s gang rape in Delhi shook the entire nation. And I think it even shook the mental balance of our politicians.

The aforesaid foolish responses are from our POLITICAL CLASS that is supposed to represent our thoughts. But I am really sorry my dear politicians, I beg to differ. I don’t think any of the above statements reflect our thoughts. It is your sick mentality that has helped the criminals to commit such heinous crimes.

We know you give a damn about our safety. And I am not even expecting the same from you, even though I pay you a hefty tax from my modest salary. When you take an oath you promise to work for the people. You owe me at least a safe life, if not a good life. But that’s like a dream beyond dreams. I just have a small request - please don’t demonstrate your sick mentality by making such primordial misogynist irresponsible statements. Your regressive thinking is the reason why women are still treated like commodities.

And it’s not just our politicians who blame victims instead of taking action against perpetrators. Our police too suffer from the same mental disorder. Few days back we saw a sting operation done by Tahelka on the Delhi-NCR police. Our ‘rakshaks’ think women are the ones inviting rape. They went to an extent saying “she asked for it” and “it is consensual most of the time”. They blamed young women for not staying within their boundaries, for wearing revealing clothes, for partying late, for drinking alcohol, for enticing men. According to them no rape would happen without the girl’s provocation.




So when the police, who we entrust with our safety, have such misanthropist views what solution can we expect from them. Obviously their apathy towards victims is the reason why so many rape cases go unreported. They will ask uncomfortable questions which makes the ordeal more painful for the sufferers. They blame victims for enforcing the rape upon them. Few days back in Patiala, the 17 year old rape victim ultimately ended her life. In her suicide note, the girl mentioned harassment by the police and the fact that she was being mentally tortured to compromise with the rapists. Why it was so difficult to understand that poor girl’s plight? Why nobody stood for her? Why a girl’s life is so worthless?

Coming back to the way a rape victim is treated in our shameless society. Her ordeal doesn't end at the police station. It continues even in our blindfolded judiciary. Some of our judges too endorse the patriarchal mindset. There have been numerous incidents wherein they have quashed the cases just citing stupid reasons. And even if they do hear the cases how many times have we seen the culprits being punished? I doubt that has ever happened else there would not so many rape cases. Our legal system doesn't work for the victims but for the culprits.



Let’s first understand this social evil. Rape is not just a stat figure. There is not one kind of rape but many kinds – ‘not-a-rape’ marital rape, patriotic rape (what our defence forces commit in Kashmir, northeast etc.), the minority rape, the lowly caste rape, rape by law protectors (police, politicians do when a rape victim goes for help), honour rape (to teach a lesson to victim’s family member) and many more.

Why men rape?

• Overblown sense of masculinity. Women’s consent is taken for granted
• Patriarchal society and hypocrite mindset: preach one thing and do other thing
• No respect for women and society
• Women are seen as sexual objects instead of sexual beings
• Lack of education and moral values
• No fear of law and order
• Bad family and past experiences
• Lack of sex and sexual awareness.
• Violent streak in character

The reasons could be innumerable. The question that I am raising is not what, how and why rape is committed. But how we can stop this epidemic from further spreading?

Time has come when we have to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Let’s not allow the non-accountable to shriek from their responsibility. Let’s kick the medieval and non-acting politicians out of our system by voting them out of power in the polls. Let’s not spare politicians, police or law makers until our demand for stringent women safety measures are met. 

We should use this incident as a starting point. Let’s not allow it to become a court case that drags on for decades to deliver justice to the deceased brave-heart. Her death should not go in vain. Let’s keep pressure on Government, police and our judiciary to punish the culprits hard, so that any animal would think twice before outraging the modesty of a woman. Let’s not ignore the safety of the women. Let’s have stricter laws and let’s make sure that they are followed too. The one that doesn't abide should not be let go. Let the culprits shudder from even thinking to commit such a crime.



But these are all outward changes, to address the issue we need to look inward too to find a root solution. We need to bring up our children in a way that they should under no circumstance disrespect women. Instead of suggesting talibani solutions to avoid getting raped, we should teach our sons to respect women? Let us begin by getting rid of the sexual violence in our homes and society. Let’s confront the rapists, child abusers and wife-beaters by breaking our silences. Let’s report and pursue the case till it gets its due justice. Even a small step like not using the swear words (using mothers and sisters) can play a pivotal role. Let’s stop eve-teasing and get rid of the lust that gets evoked when you see an alone girl on  road. Let’s not stay quiet when we see a girl being wronged. Let’s not dictate on how women should dress and behave. Let’s not treat them like animals. It’s time WE START TREATING WOMEN EQUAL. We don’t want a reservation bill for equality we want respect that’s heartfelt.

I am not here to give you a moral science lecture. But I just want to request you to be sensitive towards women at large. For god sake stop treating rape cases like prime-time appointment viewing. Someone’s misery should not be savored. We are talking about scarring someone’s life for forever. When a woman is raped, it’s not just her body that gets abused but even her mind and soul is assaulted for life.



Let’s have an India free of rape.

I hope I am not asking for too much. 

You do your bit. I’ll do mine. 

Lastly I am sorry we couldn't save you.

Sex and live-in. No big deal!

A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.
 
Gone are the days when love and marriage were sacred – ‘you live once, you die once and you love once’.
Well, today you’ll not  find this even in cliched Mills & Boons or Karan Johar movies. ‘Move on’, ‘what next’ is the mantra not only for the young but for all. Senior citizens are too not shying away from this philosophy. In fact they are opting for live-in relationships.

This is 21st century and nothing is durable and long lasting not even Durex . Everything comes with an expiry date. Albeit in some cases couples do carry on beyond their expiry date but not because of love but because of peripheral benefits that they get out of their relationship. They are absolutely cool with the idea of DOUBLE INCOME AND NO SEX (read http://www.timescrest.com/society/double-income-no-sex-6761). After all sex has always been overrated in our society. And when every second married man/women has a fling then who wants to stay in a marriage because of Sex. Sex is not a taboo anymore. It has become commodity. The same is reflected in every day life including our movies – Rockstar, Sahib Biwi Aur Gangster and the list goes on.

But marriage or romance is not dead. More and more couples are relying on practical aspects more than getting carried away by emotions. Today no one plans to run away from their parents to get married. They are not rushing into commitment.

Before couples decide on taking the plunge they are pulling all strings to make sure they decide rationally and not emotionally. Here live-in comes handy.  As Rachna Kothari explains: “A live-in relationship is like a trial marriage. It gives the couple a good graph on their compatibility. It’s like a dream relationship, with no strings attached. If you need to end the live-in, you just walk out. Whereas if you need to end your marriage, the divorce procedure is long and hassling.” Probably that’s why people who first have live-in relationship end up having better married life than their counterparts who straight away enter into matrimony after going around for several years.

Marketers have always believed in test marketing before going full hog on marketing. It’s time we learn from them.

LIVE-IN RELATIONS  are not bad for our society. On the contrary they’ll help in stabilizing the institution of marraiage.

Long live the live-in relationships!!!!!!!