MEN AND THE 'C' WORD

Affairs can be exhilarating, exciting, liberating, passionate and romantic. They can also be damaging, disparaging, excruciating, demeaning and time-wasting.

This week is Valentine’s week where love is not just in the air but on my TV, phone, newspaper, radio, malls, internet…actually everywhere. 

Love it or hate it but you just can’t ignore it. So, in such a love filled environment why am I writing a post which is contrary to the topic of LOVE. Not that I am Love cynic. I very much believe in love and am perennially in love. Just that I have seen enough of life that I have somehow managed to see through what kind of love works and what doesn't. And, as they say love is blind I thought this is the right time to remove the blinkers from the eyes of love-struck puppies so that they don't get hurt by bad love.

In this post I am not going to talk about how beautiful love is and how you should savor it for life. I am going to write about a disease called COMMITMENT PHOBIA that mostly men suffer from and as a result they make their girls suffer too.

Commitment phobia among men today is nearly as common as common cold. In Indian culture, where loyalty and monogamous relationships are much appreciated - men are afraid of not commitment but committing a long term mistake. 

If they do a mistake, then instead of opting for 'cutting the graft' approach they usually go in for a ‘no-strings attached’ benefit approach. in other words 'Polygamy'. If they are not married then they won't mind dating multiple girls and if they are married then EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIR is ‘the’ thing for them.  

Hypocrisy runs in their blood and balls. They can go against monogamy in life, but will never speak against it. It makes them a monster. No one speaks against it? And this creates a dichotomy, between what they live and what they profess. 

As one of my stranger-cum-friend quoted that men are simple and insecure by nature who would not like to have too many complexities in their lives. They would prefer material expenses over emotional and mental expenses. They would not have the guts to walk out of a wrecked marriage but would be more than willing to have an affair with a pretty young thing. Icing on the cake would be if she happens to be dumb. Men just can’t tolerate emotional pangs.

They would love to live multiple untangled lives simultaneously. They would want to be an ideal son/husband/dad when at home…ideal boyfriend when out with a girl…and ideal employee at work. 

They would never want to disturb this equilibrium. They prefer practicality over being emotional. They would love to take you out for lunches, dinners, shopping, vacations and anything that MasterCard can buy. But anything else that money can’t buy and could risk their life equilibrium would instigate them to disappear and call it off without giving you any warning. 

When you’ll think that all is going well and you are ready to move to the next stage, they would stiffen up. Would say nothing but would avoid an eye contact with you...and thereafter would never return your calls. The moment love comes into picture that very moment your relationship is over. The romance evaporates in no time. These commitment phobic men are not looking for LOVE but LUST N FUN. 

So the important question is why Men are so commitment phobic? 

Reasons could be many:

• Fear of losing freedom,
• Past baggage,
• Monotonous sex life,
• Insecurity about their partners,
• Feeling not ready to take the plunge,
• Easier access to sex,
• Too much commitment pressure
• Misanthropist towards women,

Most obvious reason for men not liking commitment idea is that it signals the end of fun and freedom.

But there’s another version of the story. Let me explain it through an example.

A dear friend of mine who went around with a girl for five years ended up marrying her not because he wanted to but he was pressurized by the girl. He wasn’t ready to take the plunge but gave into impulse and ever surmounting pressure. And the result is that after 11years of courtship, marriage and multiple marriage counseling sessions they are on the verge of a divorce. There are no family issues or other women involved here. So what went wrong? Well it wasn’t that the guy was commitment phobic but he could not decide wisely because tremendous pressure robed him out of his sanity.

Not always men are commitment phobic, but sometimes women are too eager to enter a committal relationship rather than just let it develop naturally over time. This forcing tends to drive people away, the same as if an overeager salesman tries to push you into buying something, even when it’s something you may actually want to buy; you would end up shoving him away because his pushing has off-putted you.

When your man becomes commitment phobic and disappears from your life then something about you didn't fit into his perception of a relationship. The common ones are, too needy in terms of emotional, physical or financial support, acting like a girlfriend/wife before he is ready, mothering him or just giving too much of yourself. When you give him too much then he’ll start feeling like there’s a mismatch in yours and his intensity. He’ll always feel the pressure to reciprocate even when he would not want to. He'll feel indebted towards you. Not a good feeling. He may not feel like returning the gestures, but feels obligated to do so. No man wants to do anything out of obligation. It takes the fun out of it. 

So how can you save yourself from dealing with these commitments phobic men?

Best thing is to choose the guy wisely and be upfront. Tell him exactly what your expectations are from the very beginning. Maybe you'll lose him, but it's okay. Let him go. Remember this saying "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." If he's really in love with you, he will come at a point where he realizes that his biggest fear is not in committing to you, but in losing you!

Trust me this always works. Men respond to distance, not words.

But the other problem that could occur later on is by the time he realizes he’s in love with you and is ready for the commitment you could be out of love. But that’s ok. Maybe he wasn’t right for you. Maybe you were too good for him. Maybe he had to learn a hard lesson through you….lot of maybes but eventually you’ll be happy and not sad. 

The fact of the matter is being in love with a commitment phobic man is emotionally exhausting. You hold onto how it was in the beginning and ignore how it is now.  No magic wand will transform the non committal man into a great partner. 

The best thing is to let it go and move on in life. No point sulking and wasting your life on a person that doesn’t value your emotions. You might find it extremely painful to walk out of a relationship since you would have invested so much emotionally but whatever you do, don’t compromise your dignity. Remember you were born as an individual and will go as an individual. Don’t let an oddball treat you as trash and keep justifying his behavior every other day. Walk out of the relationship if need be. It is no good watering a withered plant. It’s better to part on a good note than ruin your life – 

“Challo ek baar phir se ajnabi ban jaaye hum dono…”